Coherence Coaching for Parenting
The type of coaching I do is a hybrid of integrative change work and coherence therapy. It’s designed to achieve rapid, sustainable transformational change by actually unlocking a neural network that contains a problematic schema about the world and using the neurological phenomenon known as memory reconsolidation to rewrite that belief or rule on a molecular level, to the point where it no longer exists and can’t be activated.
Even though parenting is full of chronic struggles, a lot of times there are underlying unconscious, psychological schemas that color our every experience of reality and make these daily struggles harder than they need to be, for example through over-sensitization to particular stimuli, or through a (his)story or expectation that makes circumstances feel more intense than they really are.
We use coherence therapy and change work techniques to update these schemas by juxtaposing them with subjectively true disconfirming information in a particular way.
Updating mental schemas that interfere with parenting ease and joy can rapidly relieve what feel like chronic, deep, and never-ending issues of parenting overwhelm, parenting anger, parenting anxiety, and parenting regret.
If you have some problematic thought, emotion, activation, behavior, or action that comes up in and around parenting, I’d love to work through it with you.
Coherence therapy, out of all the modalities that I tried, including traditional therapy, working with a coach, and working with a birth trauma specialist, was what finally moved the needle on my parenting experience for me, making it finally feel more easeful and joyful and less triggering, overwhelming, and anger producing.
I went from thinking I would always be dealing with parenting trauma, pain and anger to really feeling undeniable relief. I really couldn’t believe how powerful it was, after I had basically given up hope of ever finding a coach or therapist who could help me. Adding coherence therapy techniques to my toolkit is what finally gave me the confidence to specialize in parent coaching, and feel like I could add something meaningful and powerful to that space. I look forward to sharing it with you.
Personal Examples of Coherence Coaching Memory Reconsolidations Around Parenting
Presenting Issue:
Feeling so much stress and distress around parenting in general. So much angst and guilt and anguish.
Unconscious Retrieved Core Schema:
This is all my fault and all my responsibility. If anything goes wrong, if anyone cries, or has a hard life, or a hard moment, it’s on me. I did this, I made this happen, it’s entirely mine to hold and to manage, and I’m the one to fully blame.
Subjective Schema Disconfirmation:
Our astrological charts have nothing to do with me. The times and places and dates of all our births are not of my making. We would have these themes, these energies, these struggles, regardless of me. It’s not all my fault. I didn’t do this. There is something bigger than me that’s at play.
Do I blame my parents for myself and my life? I don’t at all. They did their best. There’s so much more at play here, including the systems, and humanity in general, and my children’s own choices, and it’s not all my responsibility. I can relax. I don’t have to carry it all.
Result:
Much less stress and anguish, more relaxation, more sense of “chill/ok-ness.”
Presenting Issue:
Feeling over-reaction and “too-big” irritation around getting “pinged” and “mommed” repeatedly by my child. Wanting to change the automatic surge of irritation.
Unconscious Retrieved Core Schemas:
1.If I respond, I’ll get inundated with more requests, and I’ll be overwhelmed, suffocated, taken over, completely destroyed. I am resisting my child for my own safety.
2. It’s not safe out here (in public) to stop and attend to this issue, I need to use my resources for vigilance and camouflage. We’re too exposed if we signal a problem, the world isn’t safe, and attending to my child makes me feel targeted and vulnerable.
Subjective Schema Disconfirmation:
Wait, what? Wow, where did I learn these? 1. From my own pregnancy post-natal trauma, and 2. from my early childhood. I can just know that these aren’t true, not in the way my body thinks they are. I have lots of experiences of public spaces being safe, people being kind, and I know my child doesn’t want to destroy me and it’s ok to take the time and energy to attend her, nothing bad will happen to me if I do.
Result:
Irritation markedly subsides, and is only occasional now.
Presenting Issue:
Tightness, constriction, anxiety, stress when parenting. Always on edge and jumpy when parenting.
Unconscious Retrieved Core Schema:
My children are a threat to my survival. My children are the literal death of ME. My children are dangerous to my existence.
Subjective Schema Disconfirmation:
I can integrate the mother part and the not-mother part of me. When these two parts are introduced, it turns out the mother does not want to destroy and IS NOT A THREAT to the not-mother. Not only can these two parts co-exist peaceably, and thrive together, they can also integrate, communicate, become one whole. I can feel like parenting is NOT a threat to my existence, in fact, lots of parents feel that way.
Result:
Lots of things that were previously triggering about my children are no longer triggering. Ease and joy around days when we are together.
Presenting Issue:
Guilt/stress about being a bad parent.
Unconscious Retrieved Core Schema:
Being a bad parent is terrible, you’ll be judged, exiled, your kids will be taken away, your kids will be forever traumatized. I’m definitely a very bad parent because I’m a bad person.
Subjective Schema Disconfirmation:
A person whose parenting I really admire admires MY parenting! If they admire my parenting, and they’re such an amazing parent, my parenting must be all right after all.
Result:
No longer feel like a bad parent.
Presenting Issue:
Discomfort around telling kids no, feel like I’m saying no too much, feel like my boundaries are a mess.
Unconscious Retrieved Core Schema:
Saying no threatens the relationship. To say no is to reject and abandon. To hear no is to be rejected and abandoned. Setting a boundary destroys the relationship and leaves me all alone and in trouble. I cannot be angry and I cannot stand up for myself because then I lose my relationships.
Subjective Schema Disconfirmation:
omg, I’ve told my kids “no” plenty of times and they still love me. I’ve gotten angry at them plenty of times and they have verbally reassured me it’s ok and I can really tell it’s ok, they really are still deeply in love with me.
Result:
Less agitation around setting boundaries. Able to set and maintain boundaries calmly.
